New Employment Rules

Hahahaha, here’s something I found that is sure to make you laugh – imagine your workplace were to change their rules like this?!


SICK DAYS

We will no longer accept a doctor’s sick note as proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.

SURGERY

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of contract.

HOLIDAYS

Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. They are to be called Saturday and NoticeSunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends or relatives. Every effort should be made for non-employees to attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be glad for you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least 2 weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

TOILET USE

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All employees whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both workers supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract and the door will open.

LUNCH BREAK

Skinny people will get an hour for lunch, as they need to eat more so they can look healthy; normal people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim fast and take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing fancy trainers or clothing, we will assume that you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise.

IN CONCLUSION

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insulations, allegations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.

 

(Written by Anonymous)

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